Category: General

Precipice

Three days ago I stood on a precipice. I could have jumped into the unknown of single life. I could have worked through separation, sorting out the messy business of joint custody, house being sold, starting a-fresh. I could have walked. I didn’t.

I have been down that road before. I look back at my past decisions and I know they were right but I also lament the fallout from those decisions. Tom, mainly. His growth, his development. Would have have been better with a consistent fatherly influence in his life? Of that I have no doubt. If he had me in his life consistently rather than as a bit-part player would he be doing better at school? Would have had to see a child behavioural therapist? Maybe. Maybe not. The thing with being human is that we cannot go back and change decisions we make. Time is linear. Decisions are permanent. The path we choose cannot be changed.

In 2011 I left Tom behind. I saw him irregularly. His mother didn’t help but it was my decision to become a part-time parent. I discussed this yesterday with Terry who had a similar experience with his daughter. After the demise of his relationship he saw her infrequently and he said he often wonders if her development or lack thereof is down to his decision to leave rather than stick. He has another daughter now and has often looked at the experience of raising her fulltime compared to what happened before.

For a long time I have said that you should never stay in a relationship for the sake of the children. I used that as justification for leaving Tom’s mother. I believed that my happiness was more important than him having two parents. I believed that I had to ensure that I was in a good place and that it was better for him to have two happy parents living apart than two miserable parents living together. Is it? I don’t know. …and this it the thing; we will never know. You make a decision. You take action. It’s not possible to go back and find out what might’ve happened. “I wonder what if…”

Region-beta paradox

Why am I still here? Why did I stand at the precipice and then step back and continue living in this situation? I found the explanation. It’s the region-beta paradox. This anomaly was first described 20 years ago, in a paper entitled The Peculiar Longevity of Things Not So Bad, by the psychologist Dan Gilbert and colleagues:

“The region-beta paradox is the phenomenon that people can sometimes recover more quickly from more distressing experiences than from less distressing ones. The hypothesized reason is that intense states trigger psychological defence processes that reduce the distress, while less intense states do not trigger the same psychological defence processes and, therefore, less effective attenuation of the stress occurs. However, people typically predict intense states to last longer.”

Basically, things aren’t bad enough to quit. I might leave and I might be happier. She might leave and be happier. Our relationship is far from perfect. It’s not great but it’s not quite bad enough to quit. It’s the same reason why people stay in shitty jobs. They know they could find a better job but things aren’t quite bad enough to force them to look for something else. They might live in a house with noisy neighbours but the rent is affordable and they’ve grown familiar with their surroundings. There are better places to live, but this house isn’t bad enough to look for somewhere else to live.

By deciding to stay I have the perfect opportunity to start making things better. I can change things from not quite bad enough to more than good enough. It’ll take effort. Both of us need to be more patient and understanding of each other. It’s worth it for these two little boys. It’s worth it for us. We both deserve to be happy. Life is too short to remain miserable. Only we can do what’s necessary to improve our circumstances.

When I picked timetostartliving.net as the new name for this site it was with a view to starting afresh. It doesn’t have to be that way. It can also be time to start living this life. It can be a time to start living this family. It can be time to start living this relationship.

What have I got to lose by trying?

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Time to start living

Is it really over two years ago that I posed the question, “What should you do when you give your best to someone but your best isn’t good enough?” It doesn’t feel like it. Have I tolerated the intolerable for over two years before it’s come to this?

Today was the final straw. We’re both tired. We both work hard. The boys are hard work. Money is tight. Life. Is. Tough.

I can’t go on living a miserable life. I’m halfway through my forties and I have never felt such despair. There have been hard times in my past where I’ve struggled. I’ve lived day-to-day on the bare minimum. I’ve had hard times before. These pages are littered with anguish and angst. Yet I have never felt quite so miserable as I do right now.

On the surface… Work is great. The boys are a delight. Despite the cost of living crisis and money not being plentiful we can do things we wish to do. We have a lovely house, a car, holidays, heating and eating. But I feel so low. Not depressed, I’m not gonna top myself or anything, but despondent or <insert synonym here>.

It’s time, really it’s time now, to start living. It’s time to start being a little bit more selfish and putting my happiness first. I’m a firm believer in not being able to care for others unless you first care for yourself and it’s time for me to start prioritising me. I need to be okay. I need to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I want to be. That’s crucial.

It’s going to get worse before it gets better. A separation is never easy. It’s worse when there are children involved. I’ve been that child and I’ve been through it once already as a parent with Tom. I have to believe that everything is going to work out for the best. I have to know that the pain I will endure and the pain I will inflict will be worth it.

Positive mental attitude. It’s time to start living.

Northumberland

We decided to take a little trip up to Northumberland last week. Since we can’t go overseas due to the current coronavirus situation and the quarantine requirement, this was our only chance to get away for a few days of R and R.

…and, in typical Al fashion things didn’t go to plan.

Arriving on Monday afternoon we took a little trip down to the beach and then headed to Alnwick. The intention; a bit of food shopping and fish and chips for tea. We got as far as Sainsbury’s when my car decided to die. The journey up the M1 was easy. The old shit-banger (as it has now been named) handled the motorway with ease. But when I turned the key in the ignition to leave Sainsburys and get a tired boy and tired girlfriend back where we were staying I was met with deathly silence. It turns out the starter motor had started its last motor. We were not going anywhere.

Northumberland has so much to see and do. I had planned on Bamburgh, perhaps Holy Island, maybe even a drive up to Berwick upon Tweed. Instead we were towed back to base and the car was picked up on Tuesday morning by a local garage to be fixed.

Fortunately Tuesday was a lovely, warm, sunny day. We were able to walk to the coast and build sandcastles on the beach.

Dunstanburgh Castle in the background.

Wednesday, the car still not fixed, we were beset by rain. Housebound is not what you want when you’re on your holidays. The East Coast mainline ran past the house and we were able to occupy Lucas watching the trains thundering past. He loves trains. I walked to the village to check on the car and pick up some supplies. We had only planned to stay a few days. One thing we were short on was nappies.

Thursday the car came back. Fixed! Too late to do much that day other than finally get the fish and chips I’d promised myself on Monday. Three days late but delicious and well worth it.

Friday, our last day, we drove to Seahouses and took a boat trip out to the Farne Islands to see the seals and seabirds. I’ve never been much of a sailor and Lucas wasn’t very interested in sightseeing (of course!) but it was a good experience which we’ll do again when the boy is a bit older.

After lunch in Craster it was time to pile back in the car and head for home. Tired after our trip. Lighter of pocket after paying to get the car fixed. Happy to be back in my own bed.

See you next time, beautiful Northumberland!

An announcement

I’ll end the AUGUST2020CHALLENGE with an announcement. One of the reasons behind the challenge was to increase the number of good news and positive entries into this blog which has served me well in times of adversity.

In February 2021 we’ll be welcoming a new brother or sister for Tom and Lucas. After going through a miscarriage in September last year this is a most excellent turn of events and we’re all very excited to welcome the next addition to our family.

We are very much looking forward to welcoming the newest addition to our family.

Say hello to the as yet unnamed baby Smith.

Why do you blog?

Why am I here? Why have I written six hundred (half are private) different entries onto this site? Because I find writing my thoughts down to be therapeutic. Putting in to words the thoughts in my head and then being able to read them back to myself gives me a clarity which thought alone does not.

Being able to look back at previous events in my life enables me to understand the here and now far better than memory alone does. This blog has served me well. When I forgot about good times this reminds me. When the reasons for decisions is lost, a read of these pages causes them to be found.

I wrote, briefly, about my reasons for blogging here:

You see, the one thing I have always found about having a blog is the cathartic effects of writing. Sometimes the thoughts in my head need an outlet. They need to be allowed out for a walk. Sometimes they dance across the keyboard and words appear. Writing is therapy.

And it’s helped. It really has. When the thoughts in your head get too much for you to sort out, putting those thoughts down as words on a page or a screen is really helpful; even if those words don’t get published. They can sit in drafts for days or weeks or months. They can be written in private and then deleted. It’s entirely up to the writer.

There is something pure and clean about putting words on a page. Its not easy to explain, but have you ever struggled to understand why you feel some way, why you behave some way? This helps me to understand both feelings and behaviour. Often sitting with a blank page and just letting my fingers relay thought into words has helped me to overcome terrible feelings of loss and anger. Its a release to get it out in the open rather than keeping it bottled up.

I’ve never wanted fame or notoriety. I do not expect to be a ‘famous’ blogger. Its never been in my life plans to write for my dinner. This is a hobby and an excuse to see my thoughts ‘in the flesh’ as it were.

My efforts to populate these pages have been intermittent. When I read back its interesting to see that in the past I have turned to blogging when I’m struggling with life and relationships. The purpose of this challenge is to get back into writing about the good times. Tomorrow’s post will be a HUGE good times announcement. I know I’ll still write about the bad and the ugly, but I want to be able to showcase the good also.

I also want to link in with other bloggers. Not those who write for a living but those who write for their life. I want to read your good times and your bad times, to see the struggle and successes of ordinary people going about their ordinary business. That, to me, should be the purpose of blogging. It’s a journal, a story, a timeline of life.

Reviewing the  #august2020challenge

We’re into the final stretch now. Just three posts to go to complete the #august2020challenge. Its been hard work but a lot of fun. Hard in so much as I had to think of 31 different things to write about. Hard in so much as writing everyday – even a short post – has taken time out of my day when I could have (and maybe should have) been doing other things. Fun in so much as its given my a lot of pleasure getting back into writing; into getting the creative juices flowing once more; even if it hasn’t been overly creative.

What have a I learned? First that writing can be easy. Its not necessary to write about complex subjects. Sometimes the simplest topics make for interesting reading. Second, discipline and planning. There’s been occasions where I’ve struggled to find the time to sit down and put metaphorical pen to paper but planning when I will write and what I will write has taken the edge off the project. Making sure that I give myself the opportunity to publish something has taught me its possible to juggle competing demands and still fulfil promises/requirements.

I’ve also learned there’s a danger that I can spread myself too thin. Whilst writing these posts I’ve not been paying as much attention to other projects I’m working on and they have suffered somewhat as they have not had the attention paid to them in August as I did in July. I shall rectify that in September.

I feel like I have improved my ability to self-analyse and understand me through writing these posts. I also feel as if I have improved my critique writing when covering movies and games. This will stand me in good stead in the future. The ability to review something is a skill worth having. Even whilst spending all this time on writing blog posts I still managed a decent preview of a game following an interview with game developers.

Would I do this again? It’s not the first time I have embarked upon a challenge of this nature and it probably won’t be the last. The reason for the challenge was to get back into blogging. If I can keep it up, with regular posts – weekly, bi-weekly, whatever – I shouldn’t need to do something quite so intensive in the future.

This challenge has rekindled my love for blogging. Its got me back into the zone when it comes to writing things down. This blog was always and only ever for me but its good to have picked up a few more blog follows along the way. The blogging community is a wonderful thing to be a part of. Happy to be moving in the right direction with my involvement.

Best,

Al.

What phone do you have?

I’ve had an iPhone for the last ten years since the 4 was released in 2010. Always enjoyed Apple’s simple and intuitive interface and never felt the need to look elsewhere. The only drawback of the iPhone is how bloody expensive they are. I was paying over £80 a month on my last contract. So when I got a notification that I was eligible to upgrade I decided to look elsewhere – and prove I’m not the Apple fanboy people once thought I was!

Enter the Oppo Find X2 Pro. 

I’m no luddite but I don’t grasp the technicalities of mobile devices. I like having new, shiny toys but the:

  • 6.7-inch OLED 120Hz display
  • 48-megapixel main camera
  • 32-megapixel selfie camera
  • Snapdragon 865
  • 4260mAh battery
  • 512GB storage
  • 12GB RAM

doesn’t mean a great deal to me.

I wanted a good camera as I love taking photos and a decent battery life. The rest is neither here nor there so I’m certain many other devices – including the latest iPhone – would have suited my needs perfectly, but there is something quite gorgeous about this phone. As expected the camera is superb and easily the match of similar priced devices. When I think back to what my first digital camera was like, this is far, far, superior. The colours really pop and the detail is incredible.

The screen is massive and looks amazing watching HD movies. I read something about upscaling from 30fps to 60fps when streaming on Netflix and Youtube. It also has built in stereo speakers and sounds great with or without headphones. I’ve also never had a phone which charges so quickly. Before going to work and having the phone on 12% battery, I plugged it in and inside 30 minutes it was sitting on 92%. The 512 gb storage will come in really handy with my propensity to photograph pretty much everything and anything.

I’m very pleased with my choice. One of my friends is also very pleased with my choice and has ordered the same device. What phone do you use?

 

The greatest game of all time

At the battle of Yavin
Rebel terrorists, aided by
spies and traitors within the
Empire, struck a cowardly
blow at the new symbol of
Imperial power… The Death Star!
Darth Vader brought swift justice
to the Rebels by destroying their
main base on Hoth. The pitiful
remnants of the Alliance have
now scattered to the Outer Rim.
In the days ahead, the Emperor
will call upon the Imperial Navy
to eradicate the last vestiges
of rebellion and restore law
and order to the galaxy!

Always wanted to be a part of the Star Wars universe and fight for the forces of law and order against the rebellion? In Lucasarts 1994 flight sim TIE Fighter, you will get your chance.

It would have been around ’94 or ’95 that I was introduced to TIE Fighter by a friend. In my post about my Top three movies I discussed my affinity for the Empire:

The Empire Strikes Back appeals to me in many respects because I always loved the ethos and aesthetic of the Galactic Empire. I always – and in no way secretly – cheer for the bad guy. This perhaps speaks volumes about my character!

Being able to jump into the seat of the iconic TIE Fighter and blast away at X-Wings, A-Wings and Y-Wings was a dream come true.

It’s important to note this is a simulator and not an arcade-action game. Using a joystick and the full keyboard there is a hugely steep learning curve when you first start playing TIE Fighter. Its not a game you can just pick up and play. There are training missions and tutorials to assist you in understanding the controls; they really should be mandatory. Without them you’ll have a tough time understanding what you need to do to use a TIE in anger against traitors and rebels. To give you some idea of the complexity, this is the keyboard reference card.

Point and shoot, it is not.

TIE Fighter runs alongside the events of Empire Strikes Back, starting in the aftermath of the Battle of Yavin (when the first Death Star was destroyed). You play as a new recruit, green and inexperienced TIE Fighter pilot and your first mission objective is fairly underwhelming; inspect freighters passing through the sector to check for rebels fleeing from Hoth. You soon learn that you’re a small part of a larger effort, a small cog in a giant imperial war machine. From small beginnings flying the basic TIE Fighter with laser cannons and nothing much between you and the void, you quickly advance onto more powerful ships with advanced technology such as shields and hyperdrives. In total there are seven different ships to fly from the Fighter, Interceptor and Bomber basic models to the TIE Advanced and super-sleek TIE Defender. Throw in Gunships and Missile Boats and you have a veritable arsenal to unleash against the enemies of the empire.

What I love most about TIE Fighter is the immersion into the Star Wars universe. I had never known anything like it before. Characters such as Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine from the movies crop up frequently; you can even fly a mission with the Dark Lord of the Sith. But the main OH MY GOD appearance was that of Vice Admiral Thrawn. Thrawn made his first appearance in the 1991 Timothy Zahn novel Heir to the Empire. He is a badass military genius who takes command of the Imperial Navy after the events of Return of the Jedi where he is Grand Admiral Thrawn. In TIE Fighter he the overall commander of the fleet you are a part of for most of the game. This inclusion of Expanded Universe characters shoved TIE Fighter into my consciousness. It felt like you were truly a part of the Imperial Navy. There was no sympathy for the rebels. In TIE Fighter, the heroic Rebel Alliance is the enemy.

TIE Fighter has so many features to explore you can spend hours and hours playing around on the concourse before finally starting your first mission.

Here there is a training simulator – the first step for a novice pilot, a combat trainer where you can take part in simulated (simulations inside simulations!) combat missions, a tech room where you can check out the technical specifications of both Imperial and enemy craft, and the film room where you can watch back recordings of previous engagements. So much to do before finally embarking on your first mission.

That first battle can be over incredibly quickly if you’re not careful. TIEs are fragile craft and it only takes a few stray laser shots before you’re either dead or floating in space. You have to choose your targets carefully and work as part of a team in order to bring down larger enemy ships. If you stick at it you’ll soon become a master pilot; the best the Imperial Navy has to offer, and late game the missions increase in complexity and difficulty. Engaging fast, manoeuvrable A-Wing fighters with a TIE Advanced is one of the best experiences in the game – a true dog fight. Taking down large capital ships with rockets and bombs dropped from an unshielded, slow and sluggish TIE Bomber, wonderfully exciting.

As you progress the game charts your progress. It is a statisticians dream. You will get stats on number of kills, shots on target, craft lost. You will be promoted all the way up to General and, if you can complete bonus and secret missions, be inducted into the Secret Order of the Empire. Completing a mission and missing an objective is excruciating. It’s so tempting to go back and play it again to hit all the objectives to advance outside of the battles.

TIE Fighter occupied me for months in the nineties and, in researching this post, I’ve ordered a new joystick to be able to play as the forces of the Empire once again…

“This Rebel stronghold has no hope of escape. Commence the attack!”