Angry all the time. At least that is the way it seems. Ever since dad died I’ve been angry at everything and everyone, myself included. I can only surmise that it stems from something to do with my dad. Before he died I was less angry, since his death I’m more angry. Am I angry because he died or angry at him for dying or angry at me for either not seeing him before he died or for feeling something, or feeling nothing, I don’t know. I wish sometimes we could open a book and read what the problem was so we could fix things. Unfortunately its never that simple. I’m confused over everything right now. I don’t know if I’m coming or going. Its bloody annoying.
At work I feel like I’ve taken a step backwards. I have been assigned to a manager who I used to have and who I never liked the first time. Now some 4 years later and back there again doing the same job that I used to do for the same person I used to do it for, I just feel bitter. I can’t stand her management style. Every opportunity to knock us down. Going through emails and penalising us for doing something we were told to do by someone else. It is infuriating. Patronising as a management style is not something that should be encouraged. In my last feedback session however, I acted like a petulant child. I feel a bit embarrassed about my behaviour but I can’t tolerate being in her company. She irritates me with her fake concern and false manner. I need to get off that team asap before I lose it.
I have found myself getting angry at home, and especially with Tom. He’s just a babe, bless him but it seems sometimes he knows exactly which buttons to press to really nark me. It takes every ounce of my self control not to lose it with him sometimes. He’s too clever for his own good! It’s gonna get him into trouble one of these days I know it.
I keep thinking that something needs to change. Something gotta give, you know? It’s just that I can’t put my finger on what it is that I need to change, or if there is just too much that needs to change that it’s a pointless exercise to try. Maybe I can’t change things and I need to just accept and realise that life is, in general, a pile of steam dog poo. That the most I can hope for is the odd glimpse of happiness, usually at the point of just waking up and not actually being 100% aware of just how crap things are.
I need a Fairy Godmother (Shrek influence!) to set me on the right track…