I had a long chat with my Brother last night about a range of subjects. It’s weird, when I think about it, that we grew up just two years between us and now seem to be a life time away from each other. I guess being old and having our own lives to lead is a valid enough excuse. It is very easy for us, separated by distance, separated by employment circumstances, separated as adults, to forget each other, to put each other to the backs of our minds and focus not on each other but on more immediate concerns.

The recent death of our Gran has, I believe for both of us, given us a new perspective on life. As children you cannot help but feel immortal. Every holiday is a lifetime and each playtime an adventure. It is only when we get older that we can see our lives are moving too fast and are slipping away from us. Life slips through our fingers as does the sand of time. We cannot stem the flow, we have no choice but to go with it. It is only when we see the life path of one that we love come to an end that we realise that we all share the same final destination. When we see the end of the life of a loved one it does much to highlight our own mortality. It makes us realise that we do not have forever, that life is but a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things and that each second we have is invaluable, and irreplaceable.

Michael said to me last night that we do not spend enough time together, we don’t talk as much as we should. I tried to stutter a pathetic excuse and ended up feeling silly. He was right, we don’t, and I want us to make a commitment to see each other more. I should never be in a situation where I feel uncomfortable with my Brother, where I cannot think of something to say and feel awkward because of the ensuing silence. That is not the way Brothers should be. Not two who have been through so much together and been there for each other as much as we have.

So, I’m going to make an effort and it starts with next weekend. Hopefully we can both make the effort to see each other more in the future and our relationship can grow from there.


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At the minute I feel like a coiled spring that is being pushed and pushed from both ends. Squeezed, and smothered by the world around me. I feel like I am absorbing the pressure applied by everything and everyone but that I am reaching my limit. I don’t know how much more of this I can take before I explode, before the spring uncoils in frustration. I feel like there is so much expected of me from so many people, and that they are all expecting me to be someone I am not. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know why I am here. I do not yet understand my reason for being on this earth. Perhaps the human journey is to discover that there is no reason, there is no meaning to this life of ours. That we are but a blink of an eye on a cosmic scale. We are born, we live, we form relationships, we die. We are gone forever. Will we be remembered in ten years, 100, 1000? Even if we gain the notoriety to be remembered by humanity, all will be lost when humanity is lost. When the inevitable happens and this fragile species, Homo Sapiens, meets its destiny.

Do you ever, ever wonder what the purpose is of this life? Sometimes I do, and when I do I despair at the futility of it all.

I’m despairing now.


Do you know Ween?

I’m currently in the process of ripping every CD of Ween that I have to my hard drive. There is something about their ‘Don’t give a damn’ music which inspires. Many people I know don’t like Ween or have never heard of them, so I am here to spread the word about their genius. Click on the link to the right, the one that says “Ween” and have a look around the site. Being the groovy guys that they are, you’ll find MP3’s to download, videos to check out and other assorted paraphernalia.

Also check out Ween Radio for 24 hours a day streaming Ween. Can’t beat it (You’ll need winamp).

I think the reason I like Ween is the reason many uptight wankers don’t. The first track I heard by Ween was Spinal Meningitis (Got Me Down) on the Chocolate and Cheese album. Goes a bit like this:

Am I gonna see God, mommy?
Am I gonna die?
It really hurts mommy!
Am I gonna die?

It’s difficult to try to explain the feelings you get when listening to it, because it’s kinda not funny but funny because they’ve written (and released) a song about something which is not funny. Get me? I don’t . . .

And this really is the appeal of them to me. Emotions which flicker between hilarity, disbelief, sadness, joy. I don’t know of any other artist who is capable of reaching such esoteric emotional triggers as Ween.

Check them out, and if you don’t like it, you’re obviously not cool enough.